Merry Christmas, blog reader. I hope the festive season brings you nothing but joy and happiness. Unless you hate me and the blog – which of course begs the question as to why you’re reading it anyway.
With regard to the Christmas lights issue which I raised last week, I don’t have any objection to people putting some bright decorations on the outside of the house. It’s just that some go way beyond the acceptable boundaries of taste and respectability.
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Utterly chav-tastic
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I was in B&Q the other day and a lady in front of me in the queue was buying a Christmas tree. The shop assistant said: “Are you going to put this up yourself?”
Before allowing her to answer, I said: “No, she’s going to put it in the lounge…” Neither the lady or the staff member was sharp enough to appreciate the humour.
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Go on. Speak. Me? How?
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Although I’m not working at Pussycats on Christmas Eve, I will be there quite a bit over the festive season:
Sat 26th Boxing Day Fun
Sun 27th Costas’ Birthday Bash
This should be lively as Monday is a Bank Holiday and therefore most people will be out on the lash as they won’t be working the next day.
Thu 31st New Year’s Eve 2009 into 2010
Fri 1st Jan New Year’s Day
Sat 2nd Jan as normal
See the latest photos in the gallery at the world famous dj wanker website and see the official club pictures here.
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Is that a pearl necklace?
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Get into the festive spirit with these Christmas videos
From 1984, one of my all time favourite records – The Power of Love by Frankie Goes To Hollywood. I still have the 7″ vinyl in a gatefold sleeve. It was £1.50 well spent.
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Three years later, this wonderful collaboration made number two in the charts. The late, great Kirsty MacColl joined The Pogues in producing the spine-tingling Fairytale of New York. “You scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas your arse I pray God it’s our last.”
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I’ll be surprised if I get one present this Christmas but I’m cool with that. I never know what to ask people to buy me and, in all honesty, I prefer to give than receive. In terms of presents, that is.
So what would be a nice treat from Santa??
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Santa opens his sack once a year
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I didn’t have a football match to report on last Saturday so just chilled out in the afternoon at my weekend retreat in Telford. The landlord was in charge of the remote control so we got a random selection of programmes…
* Have I Got News For You – very funny
* Chuckle Vision – what the f***?
* Friday Night with Jonathan Ross – excellent
* Live At The Apollo – decent
* EastEnders – wrist slashing rubbish
* An Audience With Freddie Starr – retro classic
I would’ve had Sky Sports Soccer Saturday on if the choice had been mine but the landlord doesn’t like football.
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Just found out that an Elvis impersonator used to live in the house. That’s true actually. I’m sure I saw his ghost in the living room one night. I was all shook up.
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There's no ghost, just your suspicious mind
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The Facebook Bit.
Status update of the week:
“Cnt wait 4 new year new start new me fuck the dickheads who ave hurt me this yr bt u aint keepin dwn i stand up n im proud ov wat i ave n got my dawta my fam n gd mates men cum n go my Princess fam n mates r 4 lyf”
People who read the blog who are unfamiliar with Facebook (there can’t be many) have asked if these status updates are genuine. Sadly, I have to admit, they are 100% genuine.
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Da kidz spk lyk dis. Init.
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I’ve changed the names on this status update because *Peggy* reads the blog and is a bit touchy… only joking *Peggy* you old goat!
Sat in McDonalds with Leah. Woman sits down next to us with her food alone. She had a large Big Mac meal, double cheeseburger, nine chicken nuggets and some of those cheese melt things!! She was about a size 12, so god knows where she stores it! Leah says in her very non subtle, non quiet voice ‘look how much food that lady has to herself and she hasn’t even got any kids with her, that’s greedy isn’t it mummy?’
Someone replied:
You should have said ‘Yes, Leah, she’s a greedy fat twat.’
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One of my FB friends went on a bit of a frenzy and joined loads of groups and fan pages on the same day – why she did this I really don’t know and I really don’t care. Although I care enough to share the information with you, obviously. She joined…
* “Why do I bother with you?”
* “Ignoring me? Two can play that game.”
* “Even though I hate you, I’d still shag you.”
* “Just because I like your status it doesn’t mean I like you.”
The nonsense continued…
* “Stop fucking around and just tell me how you feel.”
* “Tell me why you’re upset? I can’t – the reason is you.”
* “When I push you away, don’t leave – it’s times like that I need you to stay.”
* “I can switch from happy to psycho in less than two minutes … don’t go there.”
I really hope she’s not reading the blog – or if she is, she doesn’t realise I’m laughing at her. Oh, here’s some more she joined…
* “I love knowing you bitch about me then watching you be nice to my face.”
* “It still takes me ages to get to sleep on Christmas Eve.”
* “I’ve just got over liking you and then you text me and I’m back to square one.”
And then there was one more…
* “N Dubz are better than Linkin Park.”
Confirmation if confirmation was required… she’s mental.
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I did get an invite to join one group which seemed appropriate to me…
“I look at the menu for ages then just order what I always have.”
…but in the end I didn’t bother.
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It wasn't a kiss I wanted her to blow
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This is what we pay our taxes for.
Leicester Mercury:
“A hairdresser was caught smoking in the doorway of his salon when a council environmental health officer drove past. Matthew Charles Bates, of Michael Charles Hair Salon in Cross Street, Blaby, was fined £100 and ordered to pay £320 costs after the on-duty officer, waiting at traffic lights, looked out of her car and saw him having a cigarette in the doorway of his business.”
This salon is near where I live and the pavement by the business doesn’t attract many pedestrians as it’s not in a busy area. I doubt anyone was actually troubled by this guy having a fag outside. He’s now £420 worse off. I’ve even been into the salon and given the bloke a pack of fags and bottle of wine. I don’t know him but just wanted to show some support.
It’s typical of our over-zealous nanny state with people in jobs for the sake of being in a job and spreading misery. From what I can gather, the environmental officer was an officious jobsworth cock of the highest order. I hope she has a grim Christmas.
Health and Safety, my arse.
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Here’s another, erm, festive-ish video worth checking out… it’s Avid Merrion’s Proper Crimbo from 2003.
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Miley Cyrus was on the telly with Alan Carr last week. She’s still a spoilt, showbiz brat – not quite in the Jordan and Katona oxygen thief envelope but give it time.
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Not as good as her dad
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Tiger Woods is taking time off golf to work on his marriage. He’s been asked to appear in a pantomime – but they’ve had to rename the show.
“Woods in the Babes.”
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Why are con men called con men? They’re usually quite good so surely they should be called pro men.
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Michael Jackson fans.
Ensure you win the BBC3 show ‘Move Like Michael Jackson’ by lying very still in a box.
I suppose given the standard rate of decomposition, now is the perfect time for a Thriller comeback tour.
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I'm a bad-ass dead motherfucker cha'mone
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Have you noticed how contestants on reality shows like X Factor and Big Brother talk about going on ‘a journey’? Let’s hope that journey takes them back to where they belong – stacking shelves alongside the other non-entities in Asda.
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Top Tips from Viz magazine:
“Cat and dog owners – your pets have no concept of Christmas. Don’t buy them a card or present. It’s just silly.”
While the Top Tips page from Viz is deliberate sarcasm, there is actually more than a jot of truth in that.
I don’t put “Merry Christmas to Johnny, Clare, the kids and Rover the dog” in my Christmas card to you – so don’t put a fucking paw print in mine.
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Separated at birth – The footballer Theo Walcott and Marvin from JLS
Theo ?
Marvin ?
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And finally…
Remember this – a dog is not just for Christmas… with any luck there’ll be some left over for Boxing Day.
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Cheers for now,
Geoff / DJ Wanker
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