The Catholic world is in shock today as they recover from the outrageous appearance of the Pope on the hit ITV show ‘Stars in their Eyes’. To the astonishment of Catholics everywhere, last night Pope Benedict uttered the immortal words ‘Tonight Matthew….I’m going to be…Michael Jackson’.
He then proceeded to do a medley of Jackson hits including ‘Bad’, ‘Billie Jean’ and ‘We are the World’. Senior figures in the Church have been concerned by Josef Ratzinger’s increasingly erratic behaviour. He was spotted pacing around the Vatican last week shouting ‘A Talking Snake???’ and ‘A Virgin Birth??? in an incredulous manner. Last night’s antics have only increased doubts over his conduct.
During his performance Ratizinger donned a pair of sunglasses and a tight red leather jacket and seemed to particularly enjoy angrily shouting the choruses of the songs in the manner of a drunken simpleton with tourettes. The lyrical content of the songs was also alarming in its content with lyrics such as ‘I’m bad, bad, really really bad’, ‘Billie Jean is not my lover, she’s just a girl who says that I am the one, but the kid is not my son’ (upon which he produced a photo of Jesus) and perhaps most disturbingly of all ‘We are the world, we are the children’.
The host Matthew Kelly commented ‘As a suspected kiddyfiddler myself, I was disappointed with the Pope’s behaviour but I lost my faith completely when he told me about banging some brown bitches in da club, he then proceeded to tell me he would take me to ‘the candy shop’ where he would let me ‘lick his lollipop’ whilst making obscene gestures with his fingers, freestyling rap lyrics and gesturing with his crotch, he was quite a strange individual to say the least.’
Ratzinger hasn’t been seen since the show. When asked to appeal for the general public’s votes for his performance Ratzinger instead brushed off some imaginary dust off his shoulder pads then screeched ‘Can’t touch me motherfuckers!’ and moonwalked out of the studio before he could be restrained.
Catholics have been voting non-stop for his Excellency as they presume he is infallible in both his decisions and vocal range.
No comments:
Post a Comment